Thursday, October 14, 2010

Trick or Retreat

by
Lupe Fernandez

Last month, I attended the SCBWI Writers Retreat in Palos Verdes. Inspired by the dedication of the staff and attendees, the Planning Dept. of Pen & Ink submit for your consideration a modest proposal. Sure, you got your Esalen, Big Sur, Rocky Flats, Edwards Air Force Base and any number of Superfund sites, but you've never seen a retreat such as:

The Official Pen & Ink Writers Retreat Complex

1) Critique Rooms - Padded walls, ergonomic chairs, and big clock with timer; separate offices for Resident editors, agents and therapists

2) Communal Dorms - Married personnel only

3) Critique Rooms - Padded walls, ergonomic chairs, and big clock with timer; separate offices for Resident editors, agents and therapists

4) Communal Dorms - Single personnel

5) Ocean Beach - White Sand; Activity Director on station to cater to all aquatic needs

6) Mental Health Center – Physical Therapy, 24 Hour Doctor, Primal Scream Enclosure, Yoga Discipline, Private Massage Bays, and 24 Hour pharmacy

7) Bike and Jogging Path - Clockwise on even days, Counterclockwise on odd days

8) Information Center – Laptops with Internet access, high volume color and b/w printers; only this location allows outside electronic contact

9) Amphitheatre -Live performances, readings

10) Fruit Trees – Fresh snacks ripe for picking

11) Tower Scrambler – Jams all radio transmission for all cell phones, laptops, Crackberries, telegraphs and passenger pigeons

12) Helicopter Pad - Transportation for personnel who don't like the submarine

13) Submarine Grotto - Access to complex via submersible

14) Forest and Hiking Trails – Get away from everyone and mediate or fight bears

Registration begins as soon as the Planning Dept. inherits several million dollars to bribe public functionaries for construction permits, right-of-way access, misplacement of property titles, and the suspension of certain UNESCO World Heritage Designations.

17 comments:

  1. Oooooooo, fight bears. Sign me up!

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  2. Dear Grizzlygirl,
    Nothing breaks writer's block like tangling with 800 pounds of claws, teeth and muscle.
    Sincerely,
    Mr. Ranger

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  3. Delightful. I'm glad to see you take this initiative!!

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  4. Dear Rita,
    Initiative is the I in INK.
    Sincerely,
    Senor Sloth

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  5. I like the fighting bears option as well. The submarine ride would be fun as well, but the method to determine which direction we jog is my favorite. It's good to shake things up a bit.

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  6. Are we buying our own island to do this? I approve of the plans

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  7. I want more than one palm tree. I like shade... and please add tide pools

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  8. Lupe,
    this is genius! I particularly like the primal scream enclosures - a nice touch!
    Sound like club med for writers. Which would be awesome - let our spouses and kids play all day while we writers and illustrators do our creative thing, and then family time in the afternoon and evening ... Heck, I wanna do this!
    Now you've got me thinking...
    Namaste and thanks for this,
    Lee

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  9. This is a brilliant plan. It appears you have thought of everything. I have some couch change I would like to contribute to the building fund. (The Primal Scream Enclosure is my favorite part, too!)

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  10. Lori - Walking only on Leap Years.

    Sue - While buying our own island is tempting, I suggest paying for part of a pre-owned island to take advantage of existing infrastructure. Yes, more trees and a tide pool, but don't go out too far.

    Lee - Genius loves company.

    Laurie - The Primal Scream Enclosure will also have an adjacent Materials Accelerator System Habitat (MASH) which will allow attendees to destroy physical objects.

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  11. Please invite me! I particularly like the padded wall critique room feature. Be forewarned, though: I will be jogging clockwise on counterclockwise days just to mess with people.

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  12. Love it sounds like just what this author needs. Let me know when I can sign up.

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  13. Kittscher - "...just to mess with people." Hmmm...sounds like somebody needs to spend time in the Primal Scream Enclosure to vent.

    Chris - Pen & Ink is currently accepting seven figure cashiers checks.

    Sincerely,
    TOPIWRC Director

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  14. Looks wonderful! Oh the writing that could be done. Sign me up!

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  15. Dear Susanne,
    We'll put you on the VIP list.
    Sincerely,
    TOPIWRC Director

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  16. Lupe--

    The Pen & Ink Blog accountant just called and said we definitely don't have the dinero for this year's Pen & Ink Blog Retreat. He wants to know what the charge is for the pina coladas on the visa and he said something about 'start selling cookies'? Not sure what this means....

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  17. Dear KKahrs,
    Our Vice President of Accountant & Oddities reassures us that our fiscal health is the equivalent of a 23 year old cat with a limp.
    Sincerely,
    TOPIWRC Director

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