Monday, April 9, 2012

How to Deal with Rejection - The Sequel

Mexican-In-Residence
It has come to the attention of The Management that in these uncertain economic times, coping with manuscript rejection notices has become fraught with peril. We submit as cautionary tales certain correspondence we have received here at the Pen And Ink Blogspot virtual office. Name and places have been changed to protect our reputation.

Dear Pen And Ink,
I got a rejection letter from XXXXX at XXXXXXXX and I can’t stop eating soap. What should I do? Not just any soap. I shop at a soap boutique and a bar costs $20.00 per ounce. My previous rejection letter from XXXXX at XXXXXXX and XXXXXX caused me to lick stamps. I need help.
Signed,
Dial Dilettante
Dear Dilettante, 
Ease off on the boutique soap by wrapping cheap generic soap bars in the expensive boutique wrappings. This will trick your despairing mind into thinking you’re still consuming expensive soap without the actual cost. We also recommend a good anti-acid.
Sincerely,
The Management

Dear Pen And Ink,
XXXXXX from XXXXXXX sent me a polite response saying that my manuscript was not right for them and that the Restraining Order is effective as of today. I think this is unfair. The rejection notice, I mean, not the Restraining Order. I think I over did the emailing every day to XXXXXX asking, “Did you read it yet?” It’s not like I drove by XXXXX’s condo and camped out in the car with a Zeiss Infrared Telescopic 444H Camera aimed at their window. How can I get back into XXXXXX’s good graces?
Sincerely,
M. Surveillance
Dear Surveillance,Wow! A Zeiss Infrared. Does that come with a covert illumination at 950nm wavelength? Uh…naturally, we don’t condone this sort of behavior – unless it’s our Mexican-In-Residence; he’s a little creepy when it comes to observational behavior. Oh sure, he says he’s doing research but we think…well – and we strongly advise you observe the terms of the Restraining Order.
Sincerely,
The Management

Dear Pen And Ink,
Which one of you is Ink?
Sincerely,
Pencil Looking for Mature Eraser
Dear Pencil,
Did you have a question?
Sincerely,
The Management

Dear Pen and Ink,
Life has no meaning. I’m giving up the letter M and the sound chkka poh I write and I write and I write and what does it get me. The cat needs pajamas. The alligator needs new shoes. The living room pendulum needs varnishing. I don’t have enough time in the day or night to get all these things done. I’ve decided to seek a meditative retreat and regroup my thoughts and get in touch with my inner muse. Lately, my muse has been out late, partying with the wrong crowd and coming home reeking of Christian Dior. I think it’s time to end this relationship, but I still want to be friends.
Sincerely,
Unrequited Unicycle
Dear Unrequited,
Now is not the time to rush into life changing decisions. One of our group – we won’t mention any names but you know who we’re talking about – gave up the letter O after a most severe query letter critique. He … or she… had to perform a great many Search and Replace functions on his…or her… manuscript accepting back the letter O. As for your dysfunction muse, we suggest a 12 Step Program. There’s no shame in seeking help. A certain member of our group – again we won’t mention any names but you know who we’re talking about – admits he…or she…is powerless over his/her muse.
Sincerely,
The Management
As you can see dear reader, many are challenged in different ways with literary rejection. We would encourage you keep the faith and keep writing.

Of course, if you don’t find this posting helpful, then well…that’s okay…we’re not…sniffle, sniffle…offended or anything. We only wrote it for you with no personal gain, but it would be nice if you posted a comment sometime. If you really mean it, not like you feel sorry for us or anything. We won’t feel rejected. No we won’t. We promise not to look at our traffic software and track you down, those who read but don’t comment. NO. We won’t do that. Nope. Not us.

Sincerely,
The Management

26 comments:

  1. This piece moved me to tears. I go to seek all my rejection letter. I will read them aloud by candlelight with Rod McKuen playing in the background. I'm opening the Merlot now

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is Merlot made from mercats?
      Sincerely,
      Mer-Thirsty

      Delete
  2. I framed my first rejection letter above the first check I ever got for writing anything. (In my defense, both arrived before I started high school.) Rejection still sends me fetal. Thank you for this. Perhaps I'll try eating soap ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Better fetal than fatal.
      Sincerely,
      The Management

      Delete
  3. Oy! The perfect timing. I just got a rejection via e-mail. Said rejection is filled with praise and ends with "but we aren't going to buy it." Sigh. Are fruit soaps better than flower soaps? Just wondering.

    Another distraught writer

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We recommend non-allergenic strawberry flavored soap.
      Sincerely,
      The Management

      Delete
  4. Fraught with funniness (if the latter's a word). Wanna see my stack? Probably not, but it's humbling, folks.

    Loved this post. Made me laugh through the tears...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our Mexican-In-Residence responds, "Nancy, I'd like to see your stack."
      We responded to his response, "Go wash your mind out with soap."
      Sincerely,
      The Management

      Delete
    2. You could have made him eat it.

      Delete
    3. Good idea.
      Sincerely,
      The Management

      Delete
  5. So funny, great to see humor in on this subject-
    Thanks,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We aim to delight.
      Sincerely,
      The Management

      Delete
  6. My skin just got thicker reading all of this. Thanks, Beryl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My skin gets itchy reading this post.
      Sincerely,
      Mexican-In-Residence

      Delete
  7. Great post! It reminds me of an old friend who now runs a big film company. He hates rejecting people even though he never, I MEAN NEVER buys anything. So he calls writers up and praises their stuff to the skies. Then thanks them and hangs up. This leads the distraught scribes to call ME and ask, "Was that rejection? A deal??" I end up having to crush their dreams for him. And for free. Oh cruel, cruel world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm...this old friend's name is...?
      Sincerely,
      The Management

      Delete
  8. Anyone getting rejections is going in the right direction. If you're getting rejections, that means you're submitting -- Congratulations. I aim to emulate your success. Thanks for the funny post Lupe!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I submit, therefore I reject.
      Sincerely,
      I reject, therefore I submit.

      Delete
  9. LOL! I have not given up the letters L and O! Yet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How about the letters M and P?
      Sincerely,
      The Management

      Delete
  10. Dear Management,

    You've done it again. Another fine post with the kind of wit and wisdom I've come to expect from P. & I. (Too bad I'm not an editor or agent, eh?).

    If only my solaces were as cheap as designer soap . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lori,
      We appreciate your patronage all these years. If we were an editor or an agent, we would not reject you. As for the soap, we suggest a bottle of liquid solace.
      Sincerely,
      The Management

      Delete
  11. Can barely type for laughing, crying, and feeling a definite rapport with all the poor souls who wrote for your comfort and advice.

    Awesome post, mate. Your ROCK!!


    Books for Kids - Manuscript Critiques
    http://www.margotfinke.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Accepting a rejection notice is like breaking igneous rock with a toothbrush.
      Sincerely,
      The Management

      Delete

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