DATE A WRITER

by Lupe Fernandez

Ladies, why settle for a rock star, an athlete or an actor, when you…yes you…could win a date with a writer. He’s suave, sophisticated, and solipsist. But don’t take our word for it. Behold!

Turn-Ons

Libraries, Prairie Home Companion, Latin American History, Mrs. Fields Chocolate chip cookies, Rocket Launches, Sleeping, Inspiration for a New Story, Monty Python, Snickers Bar, Popcorn

Turn-Offs

Gardening, Sawdust, Clothes Shopping, Changing Light bulbs, Interior Decorating, Moving Boxes, Reality Shows, Spinach, Popcorn with Butter

Favorite Color:

Red-Orange

Favorite Book:

The Manuscript He Wants to Publish

Favorite Tree:

The Larch.

Favorite Writing Location:

His Apartment

Favorite Motto to Live By: “I wonder what’s on TV?”

Favorite Exercises: Jumping to Conclusions, Leaping before Looking

Hobbies: Listening to the radio, watching TV, ignoring his manuscript, eating ice cream, burping.

Here’s what you have to look forward to during your amazing date. (Assuming of course, that you, dear lady, don’t pass out from the sheer excitement.)

First you drive to his swinging bachelor pad. Free parking on the street. Buzz the intercom and be sure to speak loudly. Then you drive him to that most luxurious dining spot in the San Fernando Valley, that hub of hope, that center of community, the happiest place on Earth: Poquito Mas. The Original Baja Taco Stand. He’ll order “the usual” as he’s a regular at this edifying establishment. Order to Go and eat in your car. Don’t forget the chips! (By the way, don’t watch him eat, he’s rather vulnerable with food in his mouth.)

After your Poquito Mas meal, you’ll drive him to The AMC Theatre in beautiful downtown Burbank. Don’t’ forget to pay for his popcorn. His artistic sensibilities prefer films with guns, cars and scantily-clad women. To cleanse your palette of sticky gum on the theatre floor and beeping cell-phone with unimportant conversations about the price of soy milk, a visit to that destination of deserts, that conclave of confection: Häagen-Dazs! (He’s partial to strawberry.)

But wait! There’s more! Yes, there really is.

After dinner, movie and desert, you’ll be treated to a recitation of his current work. You’ll marvel at his metaphors, you’ll swoon at his similes, and positivity palpitate at his prose.

To good to be true? Nay, dreams come true at Pen & Ink. All you have to do, dear ladies, is answer three simple questions:

What’s your most romantic section of a book store?

If you could be a famous literary character, who would you be and why?

Would you mind financially supporting a potential literary genius?

Yes, this exciting date could be yours! You’ll be the talk of the blogosphere.

Some Restrictions Apply
Contestants Must be 18 Years or Older
Void Where Prohibited: North Korea, Pluto and the Andromeda Galaxy