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Friday, August 19, 2011

The Chair

by Lupe Fernandez

When the day comes that I sit behind a table for an autograph session, I’d like to be prepared. Perhaps, I will not be as popular as the author next to me. Rather than look forlorn and dejected, I’ve come up with the optimal design that I call:

The AACD
Author Autograph Chair Deluxe #37020

The AACD

1. Mariska Hargitay Look-a-Like 
I’ll need all the sex appeal I can get.

2. Supply of Chocolate Chip Cookies 
Who can say no to cookies?

3. Holograph Image of Waiting Fans 
Image encourages real reader to get in line and think, “If this author has a long line, he must be good.”

4. Orchestra 
Adds class and smoothes the nerves.

5. Satellite Dish 
Don’t want to miss anything good on TV. 

6. Books 
100 year old tomes for a scholarly appearance.

7. Computer Screen 
Words randomly generated to create appearance that I’m working on my next literary masterpiece.

16 comments:

  1. Susan B JamesAugust 19, 2011 at 11:24 AM

    I want one of these. I think I'd prefer Harrison Ford to Mariska though.

    ReplyDelete
  2. BarbaraBAugust 19, 2011 at 1:09 PM

    Where do I order mine?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kai Strand, AuthorAugust 19, 2011 at 1:10 PM

    I especially appreciate the holograph line of fans! Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  4. PatsyAugust 19, 2011 at 1:16 PM

    Think I'll skip the satellite on mine - could I have flowers instead?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Janet Ann CollinsAugust 19, 2011 at 1:27 PM

    Sounds like a great idea - if we sell enough books to afford it. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Magic Carpet of 16x BooksAugust 19, 2011 at 1:32 PM

    The AACD is awesome, Lupe. But I'd settle for a slimmed-down soft-lens picture of me - the cool Granny look for a children's book writer. How about adding a glass of wine for my nerves and a pile of my books . . . just in case.

    Margot’s Magic Carpet
    11x Books With a WOW Factor
    http://perfectmagiccarpet.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  7. The Pen and Ink BlogspotAugust 19, 2011 at 4:00 PM

    Dear Valued Writer,
    Custom options are available for a modest investment. The next model, #47020, will include a garden, male attendant, a wine selection and an enhanced satellite upgrade which allows authors who are parents to remotely view their children.
    Sincerely,
    AACD Corporation

    ReplyDelete
  8. Karen CioffiAugust 20, 2011 at 7:25 AM

    LOL What a great list for your book signing pleasure! Number three is my favorite!

    http://karencioffiwritingandmarketing.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. The Pen and Ink BlogspotAugust 20, 2011 at 9:05 AM

    Dear Ms. Cioffi,
    A Premium Package for the DAACD #57020 includes Fan Population customized to your specific market.

    At a writing conference? Fans appear as rabid fans.

    At a Book Expo? Fans appear as important industry figures.

    Sincerely,
    AACD Corporation

    ReplyDelete
  10. Chelle CorderoAugust 20, 2011 at 10:59 AM

    an absolute must-have! (love the holograph)
    ~Chelle
    http://ChelleCordero.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. The Pen and Ink BlogspotAugust 20, 2011 at 11:49 PM

    Make mine pink! Another great post Lupe!

    ReplyDelete
  12. The Pen and Ink BlogspotAugust 21, 2011 at 7:30 AM

    Dear Ms. Cordero,
    We quite agreed. The AACD #37020 is the must-have product of the century. The Gold Premium Design AACD #77020 is geared for the 14-22 demographic. What young adult could do without a Holograph feature while attending social functions?
    Sincerely,
    The AACD Corporation

    ReplyDelete
  13. Megan Frances AbrahamsAugust 22, 2011 at 10:00 AM

    Brilliant! Chocolate chip cookies alone would guarantee a crowd.

    But forget about signing books. With this new chair, you should just go into business.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The Pen and Ink BlogspotAugust 22, 2011 at 10:20 AM

    Dear Ms. Frances,
    Thank for the encouraging words. Our Premium Gold Member Edition AACD Model #92070 features a virtual canvas for Illustrators.
    Sincerely,
    The AACD Corporation

    ReplyDelete
  15. Lee RaeSeptember 2, 2011 at 12:13 PM

    Now all you need is a best selling book.

    ReplyDelete
  16. The Pen and Ink BlogspotSeptember 2, 2011 at 12:36 PM

    Dear Ms. Rae,
    Our Exclusive Platinum Member AACD Model #100720 includes a best selling book.*
    Sincerely,
    The AACD Corporation


    *Offer Not Valid In the United States

    ReplyDelete

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