How to Deal with Rejection

by Lupe Fernandez

PREAMBLE

When, in the Course of a manuscript rejection notice, it becomes necessary for this writer to dissolve his ties with this mortal coil, and to assume that he’ll never write anymore young adult and middle grade stories which he has in mind, because said manuscripts defy the Laws of Publication Probability, and the Almighty Needs of Readers; a sober review of all future manuscript will require that he should declare his impulse to burn them.

REJECTION BILL OF WRITES

WRITE I

I shall join a cult and prohibit others from warning of me of the dangers of said cult; or stop me from ranting about feeling sorry for myself, or writing about feeling sorry for myself, or to join a group and rant about feeling sorry for myself.

WRITE II

I have the right to a stockpile to Chocolate Chip Cookies the size of a bear.

WRITE III

No Happy Thoughts will be quartered or dimed in my brain.

WRITE IV

The right of him to secure his future story ideas against critiques, reviews and hints at how bad they may be. No phone calls or emails or interventions shall be issued and the right to have an emotional seizure is protected.

WRITE V

He will not be held to answer for any remarks, gestures, or any other utterances unless the cops show up with an Arrest Warrant; He will not receive the same rejection notice twice; He is owed by the entire world: a contract, a big advance and lots of praise even if it costs him life and limb.

WRITE VI

The rejected writer shall enjoy a speedy and public meltdown. His critique group shall assemble witnesses to aid and comfort him and to bear accusations against the injustice of the world; including compulsory process of obtaining cookies that he likes.

WRITE VII

He can wear clothes that cost less than twenty dollars and not by judged by a fashion jury, or otherwise re-examined by mental health professionals.

WRITE VIII

Excessive cheerfulness shall not be required, nor excessive optimism imposed, but cruel and unusual punishments shall be inflected upon self.

WRITE IX

Everything written in the Bill of Writes shall not made fun of by others.

WRITE X

Any actions not mentioned in this Bill of Writes, but that may come up later, are reserved for this list.

Give me an Acceptance Letter or Give me...!

...a job that pays 5K monthly with health insurance, vacation time, pension plan, and free cookies on Fridays.