Dispatch #20: Wealth of Words

by Lupe Fernandez

When I drive, the front axle of my 2000 Mitsubishi Eclipse makes a grinding noise. The mechanic says the transmission is failing. A repair will require money that I don't have to spend. I could get a job. Wait...I already have a job, only I pay them. I'm a writer.

If words were wishes, then I'd buy a new car. What are words worth? Remember back in ye ole days when writers were paid by the word? I don't. I never sold anything. Based on that economical model, my 50,000 word manuscript would net me 50K and I'd add more words to up the paycheck.

But only in my dreams.

Best Selling books earn more money than Mid-List books. Does that make best sellers more valuable? What about the authors? Is their worth depending on profit? If it was me with the best seller, I sure as hell would agree. But it isn't, so I don't.

What are words worth? 

Are articles cheaper than propositions? Are verbs more expensive than nouns? What about the much maligned adverbs with their dangling LYs? Are there discount prices for adjectives?

Can I get more bang for my buck with a independent clause than a propositional phrase?

Here's a speculative breakdown:
Articles
"a" = 1 cent.
"the" = 5 cents.

Nouns
"house" = 10 cents.
"The White House" = $10 dollars.

Verbs (pricing various with tense)
"running" = 90 cents.
"run" = $1 dollar.
"ran" = $2 dollars.

How about syllables?
"moose" = $1.50 dollars.
"astronaut" = $3.25 dollars.
"Pnuemonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis*" = $5000.00 for 19 syllables.

What about fonts? 

Are Times New Roman and Courier the English and Spanish of popular languages?

Is Adobe Garamond Pro Bold more valuable than Shruti?

I prefer Times New Roman for prose writing. Courier is too plain. Much more suited for screenwriting. Just call me a font snob.

So who decides?

We should take a vote. There are many parties.

The Noun and The Verb are the two main parties. There are splinter groups like Gerund, Elliptical Clauses and Infinite Relative Pronoun, and extremists like Stream of Consciousness.

Don't get me started on commas.

Volcanic Ash

So vote.

*"Pnuemonou..." is a respiratory diseased caused by the inhalation volcanic silicates particles.