Dispatch #38: Reunion Rebuttal

Our Foreign Correspondent's Senior Photo

by Lupe Fernandez

Last month, we posted a piece by Our Foreign Correspondent in the Northern Hinterlands about his upcoming high school reunion. In response, we received a rather lengthy comment in responding to the post’s theme.

In the interests of equal time, we present the comment, edited for length and profanity.

Dear Management,
So I read the post about high school reunion and like I gotta tell ya, I’m really sick and tired of reading about nerds, dorks, dweks and other losers who bitch and whine about Oh High School Was So Cruel Boo Hoo and people who actually like high school are now alcoholics while I, big zero with the chicks, after a lot of therapy, am a well-adjusted pillar of the community.

Yeah right.

First off, I’m one those guys. I loved high school. I got laid, oh yeah; I did the Slim Jim, the Food Station and the Music Random Play. Know what I mean? If you don’t, well, I guess you didn’t get any action. And sports? Gym was cool. I don’t mean the cold shower part or all that changing clothes in the locker room. I mean, we should get like dressing rooms or something. Not that I got something to hide or anything. I’m proud, loud and uh…anyway I ran long distance on the track team. I went to a couple of meets. Beat the…out of Beverly Hills High.

I wasn’t a bully or an arsonist or some other kind of criminal in high school. I was a cool dude. I got along with the Movers and Fakers, the Car Buffs, Techy Toughs, Legal Beans, Scholarship Babes and the faculty. I believe everybody has the right to listen to their own tuneage, know what I mean?

If Mr. Foreign Correspondent didn’t have any game with babes, well, he didn’t try hard enough. He should’ve had his own band. I was founding member of The Carbs. Maybe you heard of us. We’re on hiatus right now on account that my best friend and bass player, Jonny, is dating CB, drummer and half-sister, and I don’t know how I feel about that. I just found out my Dad did the Pepper Shake with some New Age wacko.

My yearbook is so full of signatures; I can’t see my own senior portrait. I look pretty good. That’s another thing. Mr. Correspondent is all like I was skinny, smelly and ugly with three ears. Dude, it’s called daily shower and changing your clothes. I don’t mean you had to be Mr. Styling. Just don’t dress like you walked out of thrift store, unless you’re a Vintage. They’re experts with that sort of thing.

I think I covered everything. In conclusion, I object to Mr. Boo Hoo Reunion Blogger’s portrayal of people who had a good time in high school as growing up to be clueless clumps of garden sod.

I’m gonna go to law school and be a stud and rich. So hah!

Sincerely,

Roger “Rogerlio” Herrera

Mr. Herrera's restored 1972 Dodge Charger

Mr. Herrera recently graduated from Chambers-Parker High School in Los Angeles County. He plans to attend UCLA in the fall and “party like its 2015.”