Monday, December 27, 2010

The All Sex Blog

by
Lupe Fernandez

The Tease
The story idea flashes a little scene, just enough to get the heart thumping. Bits of alluring dialog speak. A mood clouds the mind. Maybe yes. Maybe no. Will the story idea put out? Or slam the door on the way out? So many questions, not enough time to answer. Must act quickly. Other suitors on the way. Spend time and energy on this story, this possibility, this wisp of a narrative? 

Foreplay
Sit before the page. Sound out the story’s preferences. Have a little drink. Something to eat. Talk about the weather. The décor. Admire the scenery. Opps, did the story mean to reveal that much. Get a sense of how this will end? Oh yeah.

Position
Try something conservative at first. The first person position. Always a favorite. Don’t get bored. Try third person personal. Feeling dominant? Third person omniscient. Too removed. Try something kinky like second person present tense. Whoa…back it up cowboy. Practice safe serializing. Back up work.

Climax
Mellow. Yeah. End with something to think about. Too sleepy? How about abrupt? Boom. The end. Leave them wanting more. Unsatisfactory. That’s it? That’s all? What happened? It’s the reader. No, it’s the story. Happens to the best. Too many questions unanswered. Will the story call back in the morning? Luxuriate. Ready for the sequel or a trilogy…yeah a threesome…and the movie version.

Afterwards
Still think about the story the next day…hmmm… Linger on the vivid imagery, the sensory detail, favorite pages and characters. All those secrets. Okay, maybe one of them bored. Wait. Did the story really say that? Or is it wishful thinking? Perhaps another try. Forgotten already. Another draft? Maybe another story. Oh yeah, there’s this place where they hang out. It’s not an addiction. Just say no.

Fetishes
Swim to inspire. Sharpen No. 2 pencils. Clean house. Role-play author book signing. Sort book shelf based on Dewey Decimal System.

Porn
Go to the library. Browse a book store. Read without buying. Smell the pages. Write speech for imaginary Newberry award.

Abstinence
Watch TV.

So be safe.

25 comments:

  1. This was truly hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

    --Frances

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  2. Dear Mistress Frances,
    So glad you were satisfied.
    Sincerely,
    Blog Stud

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  3. Blog Stud, when I search on your name at Barnes & Noble or Amazon, nothing comes up? Are you writing under a pseudonym perhaps?

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  4. Dear Mistress Lee Rae,
    Alas, I'm writing under the name of "Not Published Yet." I'm still figuring out which position works for me.
    Sincerely,
    Premature Elocution

    ReplyDelete
  5. Too much TV?

    Hey, don’t play it safe! You are hilarious and I did want to find something you had written and I was willing to pay for it. Oops! Maybe the wrong thing to say on this sort of post.

    ReplyDelete
  6. No. 2 pencils? That's what I call kinky!

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  7. Dear Mistress Lee Rae,
    A certain member of Pen & Ink - won't mention any names - are available for outcall service.
    Sincerely,
    Post Conjunction Bliss

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Mistress Megan,
    Certain lifestyles engage in ménage à trois with the No. 2, the H and the 2B pencil.
    Sincerely,
    Non-Judgmental Adjective

    ReplyDelete
  9. Now I understand the “Role-play author book signing” fetish. HA!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Mistress Lee Rae,
    Another Role-playing scenerio: "The Newberry Award Speech." Makes my page numbers tingle.
    Sincerely,
    S&M
    (Simile & Metaphor)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I looked up the Newbery Award. Maybe spelling it correctly would be the first step towards greatness. Here is what I found on Wikipedia.

    ”The award has been given since 1922. It was the first children's literary award in the world. It is named for John Newbery, an 18th century English publisher of juvenile books. The Newbery Medal was designed by Rene Paul Chambellan and created by Fredreric G. Melcher in 1921. It depicts on the obverse an author giving his work (a book) to a boy and a girl to read. The Newbery and the Caldecott Medal are considered the two most prestigious awards for children's literature in the United States.”

    Receiving this award would most definitely make everything tingle!

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  12. This is funny. I have a friend who talked about her book openings in a similar way. Naturally, she wrote great first pages. Happy New Year (from a very snowy state at the moment)!

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  13. Dear Mistress Lori W.,
    I give good first page.
    Sincererly,
    Page Count Envy

    ReplyDelete
  14. You are the master of wordplay!
    If laughter is the best medicine, I'll just visit here and forget about health insurance.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Dear Mistress Tricia,
    Private wordplay doesn't not cause blindness, nor transmit GTEs. (Grammatically Transmitted Errors)
    Sincerely,
    Master Book Reader

    ReplyDelete
  16. ROF..(let me get my breath back)..L!
    What can I say? Hilarious!
    (I can say other things actually, but you know ...)
    I've been reading No Kisses all day ... what a refreshing change to get the full works instead!
    Are you sure you are all writing for children?!

    :Dom (My No Kiss)

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  17. Dear Mr. Mattos,
    Thank you for your comment. A certain contributor to Pen & Ink, who shall remain nameless, insists on posting blogs of a prurient nature. However, we keep him or her on the staff because, well...he or her comes from a broken home and he or her doesn't get out much. We promise that next posting will be more in the vein of wholesome children's literature.
    Sincerely,
    The Management

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  18. I do hope he or her spirits are not going to be broken by Management. This post was so very funny and imaginative, I can only hope for more from him or her. Thanks for the creative visions. (And I’m sorry I made fun of he or hers spelling.)

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  19. Wam, Bam, Thank ya ma'am! Ha! I loved it! Thanks for sharing? =D

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  20. Dear Mistress Lee Rae,
    Whenever the MAN tries to keep me down, I indulge in some analyical subordinate clauses.
    Sincerely,
    Spiritually in the Closet

    ReplyDelete
  21. Dear Mistress Ariel,
    Oh yeah...
    Sincerely,
    Quicky Quotation

    ReplyDelete
  22. Very, very entertaining!!! Thanks to whomever is Ms. Naughty Noun (again, hilarious) for stopping by my blog today and giving me a chuckle:)

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  23. Dear Mistress Currie,
    Pen & Ink puts the Entertainment in your E-Spot.
    Sincerely,
    Senor Naughty Noun

    ReplyDelete
  24. That was entertaining!

    (I happen to work in the book porn industry....a public library.)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Dear Mistress Jennifer,
    Whenever I visit a library, I go into private room and read a book on my lap.
    Sincerely,
    On Hold

    ReplyDelete

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