Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Jobs Just In Case

Lupe Fernandez

In these troubled economic times, I’m often told to have a “back up plan” or “something to fall back on” in case my stalwart efforts at writing do not bear fruit, vegetables or publication. After considerable pondering and wandering, I’ve come up with a list of possible occupations that could support me while I wax poetically, type madly and revise ravenously.

Lion Tamer
I already have the hat.

Dead Fish Plucker
I can swim.   

Occupational Hazard Counselor
I’m clumsy with band saws, bench lathes and acetylene torches.

Horizontal Refreshment Consultant
I like to watch.

Doomsayer Associate
The best laid plans of mice and microbes often go astray.

Ice Cream Creative
My first job was working at Baskin & Robbins. Some ice creams are too dry, too milky, too flat or not my favorite flavor.
Literary Gatekeeper
I’ll read the book for you and tell you if you will like it.

Photo by L. Fernandez

GeoTransit Surrogate
Why go on a vacation and suffer through strip-searches, cancelled flights, lost luggage or political upheavals? I’ll take the trip for you.

Critique Group Analyst
Review your munchies, chairs, pets, children, location, colleagues, and pre-meeting discussions to improve group moral and maximize your critique time. (Example: Curtail discussions about wedding dresses, grandchildren, great grandchildren, wedding dresses, pre-school, post- school or vacations to places I haven’t visited.)

Chocolate Chip Cookie Quality Control
Not all CCC’s are baked equal.

Digital LCD Progressive Scan Interlace Mode Supervisor
I watch TV.

Photo by L. Fernandez
Unofficial Wedding Photographer
Utilize guerilla journalistic approach. No posing. Requires access to intimate settings. Will bring my own lunch.  

Brain Not to Scale
Positron-Emission Ventral Tegmental Researcher
Occupation classified.

These are just a few of my favorite things.
So many choices,
so little time.


  1. This is great. I think I like the GeoTransit Surrogate best. I'll try that one.


  2. Dear Cheryl,
    Excellent choice.

  3. Very nice pith helmet you have there. Although I've heard lions can be somewhat catty.

  4. Dear Megan,
    Thanks for the tip. As a lion tamer I would keep catnip on me at all times.
    The Human Scratching Post

  5. Very nice wedding photo. Some (well two) of your alternate occupations are rather scary. Stick with the writing!

  6. Dear Lori,
    One stumbling block for me getting married - the obstacles are legion - is how can I photograph my own occasion?

    Chocolate Chip Cookie Quality Control is quite frightening in its implications.
    Optical Delusion

  7. Dear Karen,
    I thought about Stand-Up Comedian as a potential occupation, but I prefer to sit down. Hah! Get it? I'm a Sit-Down Comedian. Hah!
    Yeah...maybe I should look into Ice Cream Creative.
    Humorless Creative

  8. Clearly, you are eminently qualified for all the above posts. That makes you qualified to write about them, too. Keep writing. The vegetables will follow. I promise.

  9. Dear Rilla,
    I'm rather partial to raw carrots, green peas and red leaf lettuce.
    Broccoli Challenged


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