Monday, May 9, 2011

Expedition Report: Return From Amazon

In April, The Pen And Ink Blog brought you the cutting edge in content delivery by traveling down Amazon. Our intrepid explorer has returned from Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing to recount his chilling, thrilling, harrowing tale of uploads, downloads and HTML code. 

Warning: The following narrative contains technical profanity and intense computer situations.

My Journey To Amazon
by Lupe Fernandez
I was tasked by The Management to voyage into the cyber wilderness of Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing. Gathering my courage, I used a short story about a boy who encounters ancient beings from a Quiche Mayan myth. I used my knowledge of Amazon - I have an account with them - and signed up for a Direct Publishing account. Little did I know what hair-pulling, teeth gnashing predicaments lay in store for me.

I filled out two sections. 
1. Details about my book.
2. Choices about Rights and Pricing, including royalty amount.


   The most vital part of the expedition was uploading my book file. Kindle Direct accepted .DOC formats. All would have been well, except my story had .jpg images embedded in the text.

Curses!

Kindle Direct displays images in black and white. Though Kindle Direct allows the user to preview the book, my images did not remain in their original placements.

So I downloaded the HTML file from Kindle Direct and revised the code myself.

Thus, began my descent into madness...

I cursed the day tags, anchors and WYSIWYG entered my life. So forgone was my sanity that I picked up a 100,000 Gauss strength magnet and attempted to cast out the infernal demons of my accursed machine.

Fortunately, the Management of The Pen And Ink Blog, swayed me with rational arguments to stay my vengeful hand, seek solace in ice cream and try another day.

I gathered the dregs of my resources, attempted another HTML rewrite and uploaded the file to Kindle Direct. This time fortune and excellent punctuation won the day. Once the book was acceptable to these tired eyes, I filled out information on the Amazon's author's page and communicated my success to those interested parties who had heard but scant rumors of my expedition.



Now safe in my abode, I present the bounty of my voyage to the expedition sponsors:


Thus ends my tale that I only survive to tell thee.

Here's what critics are saying about "The Wooden Men":
"Sheesh, what a waste of 99 cents." - Hip & Trendys
"What? No naked women?" - Macho Times
"Can I get a mocha latte with 10% skim milk." - Caffeine Monthly
"The most downloadable e-book of the year." - Mr. F's Therapist

The Management would like to note that our intrepid explorer plans another voyage to Amazon Kindle Direct.

Stay tuned to this blog.

8 comments:

  1. Dear Sir--

    I would hardly have dared to mention it, had I not already been quaking in my boots. I'm afraid I can scarce catch a breath so riveted am I with your tale of swash and buckle to spare.

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  2. Dare. Dare!

    Sincerely,
    Undaunted Doormat

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  3. What an amazing voyage by our intrepid explorer. As Columbus said, "Sail On!"

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  4. Seems pretty scary. Not for the faint of heart.

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  5. Lupe, you're such a trailblazer!

    More to the point, how was the icecream?

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  6. Kathy - I hate to brag about my tremendous courage. Good thing I had open-heart surgery when I was four.

    Megan - I'm reminded of an old Nabataean saying, "He who blazes trail, sets fires."

    Sincerely,
    Cardiac Best

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  7. What a fabulous lesson you taught me--when in trouble, "seek solace in ice cream." I'm forever weightily indebted.

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  8. Rilla, ice cream is overlooked in the annals of writing. Oh sure, liquor and cigarettes get all the glamour. But the creamy, cold, sweet flavor of a Rocky Road or Broccoli Sherbet gets little mention in literary lore.
    Sincerely,
    Two Scoops

    ReplyDelete

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