Friday, July 23, 2010

DATE A WRITER

by Lupe Fernandez

Ladies, why settle for a rock star, an athlete or an actor, when you…yes you…could win a date with a writer. He’s suave, sophisticated, and solipsist. But don’t take our word for it. Behold!

Turn-Ons
Libraries, Prairie Home Companion, Latin American History, Mrs. Fields Chocolate chip cookies, Rocket Launches, Sleeping, Inspiration for a New Story, Monty Python, Snickers Bar, Popcorn
Turn-Offs
Gardening, Sawdust, Clothes Shopping, Changing Light bulbs, Interior Decorating, Moving Boxes, Reality Shows, Spinach, Popcorn with Butter

Favorite Color:
Red-Orange
Favorite Book:
The Manuscript He Wants to Publish
Favorite Tree:
The Larch.
Favorite Writing Location:
His Apartment
Favorite Motto to Live By: “I wonder what’s on TV?”

Favorite Exercises: Jumping to Conclusions, Leaping before Looking

Hobbies: Listening to the radio, watching TV, ignoring his manuscript, eating ice cream, burping.

Here’s what you have to look forward to during your amazing date. (Assuming of course, that you, dear lady, don’t pass out from the sheer excitement.)

First you drive to his swinging bachelor pad. Free parking on the street. Buzz the intercom and be sure to speak loudly. Then you drive him to that most luxurious dining spot in the San Fernando Valley, that hub of hope, that center of community, the happiest place on Earth: Poquito Mas. The Original Baja Taco Stand. He’ll order “the usual” as he’s a regular at this edifying establishment. Order to Go and eat in your car. Don’t forget the chips! (By the way, don’t watch him eat, he’s rather vulnerable with food in his mouth.)

After your Poquito Mas meal, you’ll drive him to The AMC Theatre in beautiful downtown Burbank. Don’t’ forget to pay for his popcorn. His artistic sensibilities prefer films with guns, cars and scantily-clad women. To cleanse your palette of sticky gum on the theatre floor and beeping cell-phone with unimportant conversations about the price of soy milk, a visit to that destination of deserts, that conclave of confection: Häagen-Dazs! (He’s partial to strawberry.)

But wait! There’s more! Yes, there really is.

After dinner, movie and desert, you’ll be treated to a recitation of his current work. You’ll marvel at his metaphors, you’ll swoon at his similes, and positivity palpitate at his prose.

To good to be true? Nay, dreams come true at Pen & Ink. All you have to do, dear ladies, is answer three simple questions:

What’s your most romantic section of a book store?

If you could be a famous literary character, who would you be and why?

Would you mind financially supporting a potential literary genius?

Yes, this exciting date could be yours! You’ll be the talk of the blogosphere.

Some Restrictions Apply
Contestants Must be 18 Years or Older
Void Where Prohibited: North Korea, Pluto and the Andromeda Galaxy

16 comments:

  1. How could I be the first to comment?! Seriously? ROTFLD! That acronym stands for "Rolling On the Floor Laughing Dear" not, "Racing Over to Fulfill Lupe's Dreams," 'cause tempting as this offer is, I'm an old married woman. As you know. "As you know, "Bob" (voice of narrator booming), I hope you find the woman/patron of your dreams and achieve such astounding literary success that you can buy your favorite taco stand, put in your own home theater (complete w/ popcorn machine) and spend your days soaking in swoon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Ms. Lori,
    Married? Yes. Old? I beg to differ. My compliments to your husband for his excellent taste in a most fetching woman.
    Sincerely,
    ROTFSAC
    Rolling On The Floor Staring at Ceiling)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm laughing and hiding my wallet since I live in the SFV.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Ms. Gina,
    Living in the valley? How about I bring my own lunch?
    Sincerely,
    Two Turkey Sandwiches

    ReplyDelete
  5. 先將一個人的生活過好,才有能力過好兩個人的生活................................................

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear 林宜欣,

    "先將一個人的生活過好,才有能力過好兩個人的生活"
    That's what I said.

    Sincerely,
    Senor Character

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear NancyCl,

    How good of you to stop by. Was it the "Favorite Motto" that caught you fancy?

    Sincerely,
    Purina Writer Chow

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm single and heterosexual, but if he calls I'm a lesbian in a committed monogamous relationship in the midst of moving to Pluto.
    Blessings,
    J. Aday Kennedy
    The Differently-Abled Writer
    Children's Book Author & Inspirational Spokesperson
    Klutzy Kantor & Marta Gargantuan Wings available in August 2010

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Ms. Kennedy,
    Playing hard to get, are we? I hear Pluto's nice this time of year.
    Sincerely,
    Ease to Get

    ReplyDelete
  10. 生命中最美麗的報償之一便是幫助他人的同時,也幫助了自己。.......................................................

    ReplyDelete
  11. LOL! Hilarious, Lupe.

    I know you'll get a lot of dates out of this, especially when they read about the recitation from your manuscript. Keep us posted, okay?

    Amy

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear Amy,

    I still waiting for the phone to ring. Wait...wait...there it goes... Rats! Wrong number.

    Sincerely,
    Goes to Second Base on the First Date

    ReplyDelete
  13. Date a writer, I've wanted.
    Financially support him? *has second thoughts*

    I thought the literary genius would've been able to support a poor college student. Oh, darn! :P

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dearest Bee,

    The literary genius can support the poor college student with the currency of inspiration, shelter her in the house of ideas, and satisfy her with a big swinging mood.

    Sincerely,
    Coupon Impaired.

    ReplyDelete

We love hearing from you.