Showing posts with label What a gasser. Show all posts
Showing posts with label What a gasser. Show all posts

Monday, December 7, 2015

How To Write Books for Boys and Girls

30 comments
(This post is being re-posted because The Management is all on vacation.  Enjoy!)

I found this 1954 article about Children’s Literature on a defunct website. Submitted for your edification and amusement.


"How To Write Books for Boys and Girls"
"Always portray the military, politicians and religious figures in a positive way. Remember, these responsible authority figures keep Americans safe against atheists, beatniks and Communists.

"The family in your story should consist of married parents. Divorce has no place in reading material of teens. Broken homes make them nervous and might put unnecessary worries in their heads about whether Mom and Dad are getting along. While many classic stories feature orphans, today’s modern family is more educated and healthy, and orphans are old fashioned characters.

"Dad should always work in an office or to a responsible job like a fireman or a policeman. Fathers should never be an unemployed loafer or a union organizer. Mothers should always be homemakers. Mother’s who work in offices set a bad example for impressionable girls.

"Boy characters should have healthy, manly hobbies like playing baseball, collecting bubble gum cards, and outdoor camping. Girls should like sewing, cooking and talking with other girls about like clothes and boys. Activities that keep boys inside like reading, writing or thinking are not suitable role models for young men. Those are girl activities. On the other hand, too much physical exercise by girl characters would be unrealistic and your reader would lose interest. If your story has a Tomboy, make sure she is not a major character. Make the Tomboy a supporting character who longs to act like a real girl.

"Dress your characters in appropriate clothing. Boys: short sleeve shirts (only puny boys who spend too much time reading in their rooms wear long sleeve shirts), loose, comfortable pants with pockets and Keds sneakers with tied laces.

"Girls: ankle-length skirts (absolute no pants), Mary Jane shoes (only girls with loose morals wear high heels unless attending special occasions like a funeral or a wedding), hair tied in a pony tail or neatly trimmed.

"Language is very important. As boys and girls are often not in control of their feelings, they make many exclamations of surprise.

"Appropriate phrases:
'Jeepers!'
'Golly!'
'Holy Moley!'

"Inappropriate phrases:
'Crazy man!'
'What a gasser!'
'Kookie!'

"Never show a boy and a girl holding hands unless accompanied by an adult or riding in a hay wagon with other boys and girls.

"Never have a girl romanced by a foreigner, especially greasers, scratch-backs, potatoes, pachucos, fruitpickers, or braceros.

"If your story is a crime mystery, make sure your youngsters deal with bunco artists, robbers, or counterfeiters. Never put your youngsters in peril with murderers or social deviants.

"Everybody likes a good ghost story, but stories with supernatural happenings should be confined to misunderstood blithe spirits, college fraternity pranks or escaped convicts in disguise.

"If you follow these tips, your story is sure to be a delight to boys and girls everywhere, and stand the test of time just like the classics you read as a youth.

"End your story with a good, hearty laugh at the dinner table. Perhaps, Skippy the family dog runs through the house chasing Fluffy, the neighbor’s cat.

"These are a few tips for a good writing and wholesome reading."

Friday, July 23, 2010

DATE A WRITER

13 comments
by Lupe Fernandez

Ladies, why settle for a rock star, an athlete or an actor, when you…yes you…could win a date with a writer. He’s suave, sophisticated, and solipsist. But don’t take our word for it. Behold!

Turn-Ons
Libraries, Prairie Home Companion, Latin American History, Mrs. Fields Chocolate chip cookies, Rocket Launches, Sleeping, Inspiration for a New Story, Monty Python, Snickers Bar, Popcorn
Turn-Offs
Gardening, Sawdust, Clothes Shopping, Changing Light bulbs, Interior Decorating, Moving Boxes, Reality Shows, Spinach, Popcorn with Butter

Favorite Color:
Red-Orange
Favorite Book:
The Manuscript He Wants to Publish
Favorite Tree:
The Larch.
Favorite Writing Location:
His Apartment
Favorite Motto to Live By: “I wonder what’s on TV?”

Favorite Exercises: Jumping to Conclusions, Leaping before Looking

Hobbies: Listening to the radio, watching TV, ignoring his manuscript, eating ice cream, burping.

Here’s what you have to look forward to during your amazing date. (Assuming of course, that you, dear lady, don’t pass out from the sheer excitement.)

First you drive to his swinging bachelor pad. Free parking on the street. Buzz the intercom and be sure to speak loudly. Then you drive him to that most luxurious dining spot in the San Fernando Valley, that hub of hope, that center of community, the happiest place on Earth: Poquito Mas. The Original Baja Taco Stand. He’ll order “the usual” as he’s a regular at this edifying establishment. Order to Go and eat in your car. Don’t forget the chips! (By the way, don’t watch him eat, he’s rather vulnerable with food in his mouth.)

After your Poquito Mas meal, you’ll drive him to The AMC Theatre in beautiful downtown Burbank. Don’t’ forget to pay for his popcorn. His artistic sensibilities prefer films with guns, cars and scantily-clad women. To cleanse your palette of sticky gum on the theatre floor and beeping cell-phone with unimportant conversations about the price of soy milk, a visit to that destination of deserts, that conclave of confection: Häagen-Dazs! (He’s partial to strawberry.)

But wait! There’s more! Yes, there really is.

After dinner, movie and desert, you’ll be treated to a recitation of his current work. You’ll marvel at his metaphors, you’ll swoon at his similes, and positivity palpitate at his prose.

To good to be true? Nay, dreams come true at Pen & Ink. All you have to do, dear ladies, is answer three simple questions:

What’s your most romantic section of a book store?

If you could be a famous literary character, who would you be and why?

Would you mind financially supporting a potential literary genius?

Yes, this exciting date could be yours! You’ll be the talk of the blogosphere.

Some Restrictions Apply
Contestants Must be 18 Years or Older
Void Where Prohibited: North Korea, Pluto and the Andromeda Galaxy