Saturday, November 12, 2011

What's Wrong With This Query Letter?

by Lupe Fernandez

Don't let this happen to you. 

My comfort food.
What's yours?
Missy, my pet Iguana,
having heart surgery.

That f**king whore that 
my f***king Ex-husband left me for.


Text Translation:
Dear Mr. or Mrs. Agent and or Editor,

I got this manuscript that I’ve worked on a lot time. My critique group says it’s really good and that I should submit it. I’m always wanted to be a writer but I came from a broken home with a terrible childhood, my dog died and my house burned down and the police arrested my sister under the RICO Act. So I’ve had a hard life, but writing is something I really want to do. I haven’t read many books on young adult, but I have a few kids so I write down what they say!!

I know you’re really busy, but if you could find the time to read my novel I’d really appreciate it. I’ll check with you next week to see if you’ve read it. It’s really good. My therapist says it represents the trauma of my childhood and is good to talk about these things!!!

Oh I guess I should probably tell you what it’s about. Well, my novel is a about a girl who really likes this boy but he’s on the lacrosse team and this girl named Mandy Todd – she’s based on my worst enemy from high school Mary Tee – and she like all over him and he doesn’t notice me even though I’m nice and don’t have big boobs and then this teacher, Mr. Hutton, who’s really a unicorn in disgust gives my character advice on how to deal with that lying slut whore Mary Tee. I mean, Mandy Tood!!!!

Enclosed please find some fresh baked organic oatmeal cookies made from free range non-gluten wheat.

Here’s my phone number XXX-XXX-XXXX
My email address xxxxxxx@.xxxx.xxx

I have my therapy appointment everyday at 11am, so call before 11am because I’m a mess after my session. I’m making great progress on my abandonment issues!!!!

*****************************
Submit your query letter to penink04@gmail.com
Our well-adjusted writers will review your query letter and send you thoughtful suggestions to avoid embarrassing yourself.

Act now while the offer lasts. Deadline is Midnight November 30th.

17 comments:

  1. Oatmeal cookies made with wheat? That just isn't right!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Ms. Patsy,
    Our Cookie-Taster-In-Residence agrees, though he prefers Ms. Fields' Chocolate Chip Cookies. In fact, he's quite a nutty about them.
    Sincerely,
    The Management

    ReplyDelete
  3. I always hated Mary Tee - I mean Mandy Todd - too!

    ReplyDelete
  4. At least the writer of the sample query letter didn't follow an agent into the restroom. Holy Inappropriate, Batman!
    Sincerely,
    Quizzical Query

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for the great feedback you just sent about my query. Sorry I didn't send any chocolate chip cookies with it, but I'd already heard that's not a good thing to do with query letters!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Patsy,
    We're glad we could be of service. You are correct about chocolate chip cookie etiquette. Don't feed the bears.
    Sincerely,
    The Management

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love the unicorn in disgust. LOL! Well, I love everything about this. Worst query EVER. :)

    Amy
    P.S. We always eat free-range wheat in my home, too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Amy,
    I think the writer of the Worst Query ever misspelled the word disguise.
    Sincerely,
    Free Range Blogger

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Mr. Expert,
    Whenever we do a facepalm, we wash our hands afterward.
    Sincerely,
    Footstep

    ReplyDelete
  10. To who it matter
    Dear all
    As the man said, you aint’s seen nothing yet until you read the herewith enclosed, or rather attaché, typescript for a book about the Sceince and Art of Writing, at which I am the expert past master (mistress sounds so crass doncha thing?)
    As I was saying, you don’t know what’s going to ht you right between them eyes, my man, but when you read my book about the Sceince and Art of Writing, you will have to admit that I am the be-all and end-all of experts in the field of the Sceince and Art of Writing.
    As you might be saying, this person is a genius, and I want to sign her on the books at once. But before I even consider working with you, you have to tell me in Writing that you are willing to learn the ropes from me because I have been through your web-sight and I have found several typos that could not be misprints they are so silly. So for an additionally fees, I might as well correct your spelling and grammer.
    As the orturs which I quote in my book say, you never no what you can do till you try and when I beganed Writing the book about the Sceince and Art of Writing, little did I know that I would come up with such a compendiuming of knowledge about the Sceince and Art of Writing.
    As Dr Spock, of the child expert’s famousness said, not the one with the ears on Star Track, you know, he said you know more than you think you do. In my case this has been proven to be excellently truth because as you can see, I explain the Sceince and Art of Writing so well that nobody can approach me about it.
    As my relatives and my friends to which I gave the manuscript to read kept repeating, it is a heck of a job to write so much about the Sceince and Art of Writing. Ha ha, I am not an scientist or a Artist but I managed to write 2,340 pages about the Sceince and Art of Writing, can you beat that of course you can’t.
    As my mentor and consultant and best friend said, and I quoit him to make sure that you understand the worthy of my opera, “If you can get them to accept it for you, you will indeed be one happy bunny.”
    As my aunty who lives in Malta says, their bunnies are not happy, because they eat them, poor things, they do the spagetti or the chips with them and they are so cute, the rabbits. But that has nothing to do with the Sceince and Art of Writing of course, but I wanted to tell you that I know the culinationary skills of the Malteses because my aunty, when she comed over for a holiday, she thought me how to cook the things of Malta kitches.
    Yours truthfully
    Tanja Cilia

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dear Lupe,
    I laughed and laughed while reading this query and also Tanja Cilia's query. These are great examples to show us in an exaggerated manner the wrong way to write a query. Thank you both for sharing your talents with us.

    Joan Y. Edwards

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear Ms. Cilia,
    Well said.
    Sincerely,
    Ditto

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear Ms. Edwards,
    Exaggerated?
    Sincerely,
    The Most Astonishing Writer Who Ever Lived in This Century or Any Century

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear Author,

    Please expect the call after 11 AM. Your letter has required that I re-enter therapy (anger management), and afterwards, I will need kickboxing to remove the spare aggression. Incidentally, we will not be discussing your book or contract.

    Sincerely,
    Mrs. Mary Tee Chisdale (who married the boy on the lacrosse team 20 years ago and has five children by him.)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Dear Ms. Fabian,
    There is a school of thought about anger management for writers that employs the "yell at your adjective" primal mutter.
    Sincerely,
    Dr. Que Wey

    ReplyDelete

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