WRITER, EXPOSE THYSELF!

by Lupe Fernandez

The two paragraphs below come from a new story, fresh from my mind, tingling my fingers, pounding on the keyboard, and blazing on this screen. Not even my trusty colleagues here at Pen & Ink have read this. Sorry ladies. But you, dear readers, can be the first. I invite you to critique this paragraph, this manuscript draft 0.00. You know the rules of the revision road. Be merciless. Spare not my feelings. All comments will be posted, except for the spammer who keeps writing posts in Chinese characters.

And now………..

On your Mark…..

Get Set………….

Go!

Title: The Adventures of Calaveras Cal: Boy Skeleton

Genre: Middle Grade Fantasy

Logline: A boy skeleton, an outcast among humans on the planet Andalusia, sneaks aboard an treasure-seeking rocket expedition to a mysterious new world, and risks his life among a hostile crew to learn his true identity.

First Paragraph:

The boy skeleton rummaged through the garbage mound outside the city of Andalusia after sunset. The small, spindly figure picked his way between burnt piles of fuel tanks, torn gaskets, and charred bulkheads where jets of flame spurted. He had memorized the location of all hidden gas pockets of rotting organics. The gantry lights from the space port down by the sea blazed like stars. The boy skeleton drew back his hood and admired the view: black space, the sounding ocean and the sparkling city. Then a bright ball of orange erupted at one of the gantries. The whole garbage mound and hillside were lit up by the blazing white light. Engine thunder rumbled. The ground shook with a mighty rumble. A slender, golden rocket lifted off from the space port, pitching over the sea for orbit insertion around the planet. If the boy skeleton had eyes, he would cry. Rocket launchings always made him want to cry…if he had tears. The only other reason to cry would be learning his real name.

Or this First Paragraph:

The monster of the trash heaps comes out at night. He has many names: Los Huesos del Diablo (Bones of the Devil), El Fantasma Blanca (The White Ghost) or El Calavera Que Risa (The Laughing Skull). I have to go so I come out here. I wish I was brave like the explorers down at Andalusia space port. They’re not afraid of anything. But you won’t get me in one of those giant golden ships. I’m staying right here on the hills. It stinks, but sometimes I find some good scraps. Wait. What’s that noise? Laughing. A dark shape leaps over the discarded exhaust tubes and fuel tanks. It’s getting closer. Got to run. I trip and fall. Clatter of junk slides down the mound, rising twinkling dust. It’s him. The monster! The ground trembles. A rocket roars overhead on a pillar of fire. I’m gonna die!

“Hi.” The monster, bones clack clack, towers over me.“Do you know my name?”

“You….your….Cal…” I wet myself. My teeth ache. I point at it. “Calaveras…Cala…”

“Cal?” The Bones of the Devil puts its hand on its chin. “Calaveras Cal? I like that.”