Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Writing Seminars I’d Like To See

by Lupe Fernandez

Woman, Thy Name Is On Your Tag
Two thirds of attendees are women. Howoes a single man take advantage of the situation? Just because she likes your story premise, doesn’t mean she’s going to marry you. Learn how start a conversation, avoid stalking, and get her committed to a monogamous relationship that is give and take with lots of compromises but doesn’t impinge your use of the TV remote control.

Dealing With Distractions
Kids. Spouses. The Internet. TV. There are 100 reasons why NOT to write. This seminar will teach you how to parcel out your time with old and new “time-out” techniques. For example: Provide your spouse with silly putty; she/he will amazed and astounded for hours. Remove and place home circuit breaker in a safe deposit box and throw away the key. Write by kerosene lamp. No worries about all those plug-in devices.

Addicted To CrackBerry
Guaranteed to be a must-attend, standing room only session. Do you find yourself checking e-mail, responded to messages, updating appointmen that handheld demon device and never getting any writing done? “Yes Say No” isn’t enough. Learn effective psychological, sociological, and physiological techniques to wean yourself from the devil’s clutches, including Coffee Deprivation, Shoe Shaming and Self-Amnesia.

I Eat, Therefore I Am
Tired of cigarettes and coffee as your writing sustenance? Expert nutritionist to the stars will teach simple recipes that will satisfy the four basic food groups: sugar, salt, fat and more sugar.

Are All Letter Equal?
Some letters of the English alphabet are more equal than others. Renowned alphabetologist explores the dark, sinister controversy between consonants and vowels. Why do some letters in the receive more acclaim than others? You will learn which letters are more likely to get you published, and which letters will sink your manuscript.

Dress For Success 
Tired of sweatpants, baseball caps and t-shirts? Just because you’re at a keyboard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look good. Acclaimed fashion expert and runway models will exhibit the latest in alluring writer wear and editing accessories. Put S. E. X. back into writing.

No Hablo Espanol*
Fall asleep during high school ll asleep during high school English? Hung over during college freshman Comp. 101? Too ashamed to admit you don’t know the difference between an adverb and an adjective? Don’t worry. This confidential seminar will teach you the fundamentals of the English language. Master mysterious terms like syntax, grammar, and vocabulary. Dissect a sentence (free range sentences, written with organic materials). By the end of this session, you’ll be shouting “Subject Verb Object” at any manuscript.

*Due to the confidentially of this session, all participants will wear blindfolds. Come on, folks. Do you really want other conference attendees to know that you don't know the definition of a gerund?

Faculty will include experts from a variety of occupations:
  • Macrobiotic Archer
  • Competitive Oceanographer
  • Green Beret Pacifist
  • Agoraphobic Lion Tamer
  • Ferris Wheel Operator
  • Estonian Cat Hacker
  • Trendy Bartender
Oh yeah...a writer, too.


  1. Sign me up! I especially need the CrackBerry seminar. I hope that's taught by the Macrobiotic Archer. I already know how to dress for success, though. For the "All Letters are equal but some are more equal than others" seminar, I shall arrive dressed in my sexy revolutionary pig costume and lead you all in a "Four letters good, two letters bad" chant. See you there!

  2. Tis a sorry sight to see such woeful writers in the midst the shakes, the delirum, the hallucinations, the pitful cries of "I gotta check my email!"

    Upon the appointed time, I shall bring my photographic accoutrements to capture you in the porcine pose.

    Seminar Sycophant

  3. Yes, delirium. And shakes and compulsion. I must check that blog again, and see if I've been accepted to the seminar. Thank you for allowing me to attend.
    Ms. Procrastination

  4. Dear Procrastination,

    Since you are an FOPA (Friend of Pen & Ink), you'll get a 10% discount on seminar fees. 50% discount if you participate in the premium seminar "How To Destroy a CrackBerry" in which participants smash their electronic "monkey on their back" with a hammer.

    Mallet Head

  5. I'd like to sign up for the Dealing with Distractions seminar and the I Eat, Therefore I Am seminar. I'd sign up for the Dress For Success seminar, but I'm not ready to give up my comfy clothes just yet. : )

  6. Dear Susanne,
    If your are writing for the "comfy clothes" market, then have no fear.
    Shorts & Sneakers

  7. It's about time somebody got to the bottom of the consonant and vowel quagmire. Maybe you can take on the dark side of fonts next.

  8. Dear Megan,
    O' the chicanery of Casablanca Regular,
    the temerity of Times New Roman,
    the duplicity of Dom Causal,
    the Font War makes widows
    and orphans of all alphabets.

    Herr Helvetica

  9. Some new recipes would do me a lot of good. Any beverage recipes that would both give me a mental boost and make it so I wouldn't have to pee every few minutes?

  10. Dear Bi-Beverage,
    A diet of unrefined salt, refined salt, and iodized salt will cause your body tissues to retain water. Sure, you'll put on weight, but re-imagine those extra pounds as an anchor keeping you firmly in your chair and writing.
    Senor S. Chloride


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