A Random Poll

Not Kris Kahrs

by Kris Kahrs

While The Pen and Ink Blog crew (otherwise known as the Inkies) were screwing around attending the SCBWI summer conference, we managed to take an informal poll of conference impressions sorted by kidlit genre.  Here are the results we came up with and by 'we' I mean Pickles the 20 lb. desk cat who performed all of the necessary collating of results here.

Question posed:  How did you enjoy the SCBWI Summer Conference?

Young Adult Writers said:  "Not enough vampires."

Tween Writers said:   "Ith wath sthupendous."

Middle Grade Writers said:  "I won't eat chicken and you can't make me."

The Picture Book Writers said: "One book, two book, red book, blue book.  This one has a little star, this one has a little car.  Hey!  What a lot of books there are!"

Chapter Book Writers said:  "Oh, yes, and at the party on Saturday night, I ran into Andrea Welch of Beachlane and she said, 'Sure, I'll read your..."

Urban Writers said: "Yo, Dawg, I was feelin' it.  Just like back in the day."

Contemporary Writers said: "Dude, we freaked."

Dystopian Writers said: "The Conference was like another world."

Romance Writers said: *sigh* "We could not have asked for more moving speakers who spoke with such palpable feeling that we were left utterly devoid of any energy to protect ourselves from the ravishment of our emotions *gasp*."

Fantasy Writers said: "The whole conference had an ethereal feel as if the spirit of all the writing fairies were there, sprinkling all of us with publishing dust."

The Quiet book Writers said: "wow".

There you have it folks.  A fair and balanced perspective of the SCBWI conference.  Now, don't you wish you had gone?

The One That Didn't Win

This short piece was my entry for the 2011 SCBWI Conference Tuition Content. The word prompt was "cinnamon."

Read what people are saying about it:

"Perverse piece."
- Morality Monthly

"Burn Witch! Burn!"
- General Witch-Finder Daily

"Smut, smut, smut. Clearly the author is a danger to teens everywhere."
- National PTA Quarterly

"May the author burn in the Everlasting Fires of Hell for using the Lord's name in vain."
- The Apostate Review

Room 104 at the Reno Deluxe Inn 

by Lupe Fernandez

My t-shirt smells of tangy sweat. I walk bare foot and recheck the bolted hotel door; adjust the curtains, and turn her Bible face down. The air conditioner drones. Behind the bathroom door, she brushes her hair, rubs lotion on herself and sings “Oh happy day/when Jesus walked.” I slip under the bed covers and take my pants off. What if she notices my giant nose pimple and changes her mind? What should I touch on her first? I never learned that in AP Biology. Pulling my pants over my bony legs, I roll out of bed and smooth the sheets. My belly grumbles. I had no appetite when the jazz band went to McDonalds for dinner. The bathroom door opens. Before she clicks off the light, I see her slim, naked body through her dressing gown. 

“Pray with me,” she says. 

We kneel in front of the bed and hold hands. She smells of cinnamon.

“Ms. Castle,” I confess to her, “I don’t how.”

“Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”

“Yes,” I say.

She thanks Him for “delivering the angel of conception” – me. We climb into bed and Ms. Castle hikes up her gown.

Afterward: I'd like to say that no cinnamon was abused during the writing of this short piece.

Sketches
I attended last month's SCBWI Tri-Regions of Southern California Schmooze: Westside Writers' Schmooze takes on Misfits, Mutts & Bastards 

I was inspired to sketch Room 104 at the Reno Deluxe Inn as a graphic novel.

Ext. Hotel Hallway

Int. Hotel Room - Castle sets mood.

Int. Hotel Room - Teen looks in refrigerator.

Int. Bathroom - Castle gets ready. 

Int. Hotel Room - Teen sits on bed.

Int. Hotel Room - Teen taps feet and turns over Bible.

Int. Hotel Room - Teen and Castle pray.

Int. Hotel Room - Teen and Castle get into bed.

I hate to brag, but I'm no Frank Miller. I'm not even a Miller Lite.

After Afterward: The pen that drew these sketches has been retired.

Edited by K. Kahrs

Trick or Retreat

by
Lupe Fernandez

Last month, I attended the SCBWI Writers Retreat in Palos Verdes. Inspired by the dedication of the staff and attendees, the Planning Dept. of Pen & Ink submit for your consideration a modest proposal. Sure, you got your Esalen, Big Sur, Rocky Flats, Edwards Air Force Base and any number of Superfund sites, but you've never seen a retreat such as:

The Official Pen & Ink Writers Retreat Complex

1) Critique Rooms - Padded walls, ergonomic chairs, and big clock with timer; separate offices for Resident editors, agents and therapists

2) Communal Dorms - Married personnel only

3) Critique Rooms - Padded walls, ergonomic chairs, and big clock with timer; separate offices for Resident editors, agents and therapists

4) Communal Dorms - Single personnel

5) Ocean Beach - White Sand; Activity Director on station to cater to all aquatic needs

6) Mental Health Center – Physical Therapy, 24 Hour Doctor, Primal Scream Enclosure, Yoga Discipline, Private Massage Bays, and 24 Hour pharmacy

7) Bike and Jogging Path - Clockwise on even days, Counterclockwise on odd days

8) Information Center – Laptops with Internet access, high volume color and b/w printers; only this location allows outside electronic contact

9) Amphitheatre -Live performances, readings

10) Fruit Trees – Fresh snacks ripe for picking

11) Tower Scrambler – Jams all radio transmission for all cell phones, laptops, Crackberries, telegraphs and passenger pigeons

12) Helicopter Pad - Transportation for personnel who don't like the submarine

13) Submarine Grotto - Access to complex via submersible

14) Forest and Hiking Trails – Get away from everyone and mediate or fight bears

Registration begins as soon as the Planning Dept. inherits several million dollars to bribe public functionaries for construction permits, right-of-way access, misplacement of property titles, and the suspension of certain UNESCO World Heritage Designations.

How Not to Get an Agent/Miami, Part Deux

Lisa Yee, author of Millicent Min, Girl Genius, Stanford Wong and other great books, commented in her LiveJournal blog about agent approach behavior.

Go forth yea loyal readers, read Lisa Yee's books and read her blog.

Thanks Lisa.

Sincerely,
Pen & Ink Staff

La Notte dei Desideri

by Kris Kahrs

Lawrence before Valerianus

La Notte dei Desideri, The Night of Wishes will be coming round again on August 10th, (notice how Desideri looks like “Desires”). It is more commonly referred to in Italy as La Notte di San Lorenzo, the Night of Saint Lawrence. Saint Lawrence was burned alive on a gridiron after refusing Valerian’s order to reveal the location of the Vatican’s wealth. Surely, his last (ahem) searing quip, “I am roasted enough on this side; turn me over and eat” must be the forerunner to the current rib-tickler, “stick a fork in me, I’m done” and would make him the obvious choice for Patron Saint of Grillmasters everywhere, but, alas, this is not so, that honor went to George Foreman.

The proceedings on this night, are as supposed: with a friend or friends, grab a blanket, bottle of Barolo and comestibles, search the sky for stelle cadenti (falling stars) and say:

“Stella,

mia bella Stella,

desidero che…”

“Star,

my beautiful star,

I wish that…”

I hold no claims to precognizance when I say that I know what the wishes of the unpublished will be.

“Please let my manuscript get picked up at the next Writer’s Conference.”

“I hope that kids l-o-v-e my Middle Grade story.”

“I need a killer plot twist for my Young Adult novel.”

“If I can just write the next vampire-zombie teen romance….”

“If I can just stay afloat till I sell my manuscript….”

“If I can stay awake tonight, I can turn out 20 more pages…..”

If.

If.

If.

This year, I will wish for enough shooting stars, one for every unpublished writer that looks up.

Writing Seminars I’d Like To See

by Lupe Fernandez

Woman, Thy Name Is On Your Tag
Two thirds of attendees are women. Howoes a single man take advantage of the situation? Just because she likes your story premise, doesn’t mean she’s going to marry you. Learn how start a conversation, avoid stalking, and get her committed to a monogamous relationship that is give and take with lots of compromises but doesn’t impinge your use of the TV remote control.

Dealing With Distractions

Kids. Spouses. The Internet. TV. There are 100 reasons why NOT to write. This seminar will teach you how to parcel out your time with old and new “time-out” techniques. For example: Provide your spouse with silly putty; she/he will amazed and astounded for hours. Remove and place home circuit breaker in a safe deposit box and throw away the key. Write by kerosene lamp. No worries about all those plug-in devices.

Addicted To CrackBerry
Guaranteed to be a must-attend, standing room only session. Do you find yourself checking e-mail, responded to messages, updating appointmen that handheld demon device and never getting any writing done? “Yes Say No” isn’t enough. Learn effective psychological, sociological, and physiological techniques to wean yourself from the devil’s clutches, including Coffee Deprivation, Shoe Shaming and Self-Amnesia.

I Eat, Therefore I Am
Tired of cigarettes and coffee as your writing sustenance? Expert nutritionist to the stars will teach simple recipes that will satisfy the four basic food groups: sugar, salt, fat and more sugar.

Are All Letter Equal?

Some letters of the English alphabet are more equal than others. Renowned alphabetologist explores the dark, sinister controversy between consonants and vowels. Why do some letters in the receive more acclaim than others? You will learn which letters are more likely to get you published, and which letters will sink your manuscript.

Dress For Success 

Tired of sweatpants, baseball caps and t-shirts? Just because you’re at a keyboard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look good. Acclaimed fashion expert and runway models will exhibit the latest in alluring writer wear and editing accessories. Put S. E. X. back into writing.

No Hablo Espanol*

Fall asleep during high school ll asleep during high school English? Hung over during college freshman Comp. 101? Too ashamed to admit you don’t know the difference between an adverb and an adjective? Don’t worry. This confidential seminar will teach you the fundamentals of the English language. Master mysterious terms like syntax, grammar, and vocabulary. Dissect a sentence (free range sentences, written with organic materials). By the end of this session, you’ll be shouting “Subject Verb Object” at any manuscript.

*Due to the confidentially of this session, all participants will wear blindfolds. Come on, folks. Do you really want other conference attendees to know that you don't know the definition of a gerund?

Faculty will include experts from a variety of occupations:

• Macrobiotic Archer
• Competitive Oceanographer
• Green Beret Pacifist
• Agoraphobic Lion Tamer
• Ferris Wheel Operator
• Estonian Cat Hacker
• Trendy Bartender

Oh yeah...a writer, too.

Revision Hints from the '08 SBA Writer's Conference

Revison Tactics


I got these hints from the 2008 SBA writers conference. I find them very helpful. I hope you will too.

Get Ready
Print out a fresh hard copy.
Put it in a binder.
Make a title page.
Write a great blurb (or put the name of an author you love and pretend you are reading their book.)

Reading your Revision
Read like a reader.
Take minimal notes.
Fight the urge to edit

However if you Must edit, here are five quick editing symbols you can use:
1. Smiley face: Like it a lot
2. Check mark: Story Dragging
3. ( ): Clunk writing. Metaphors they don't work. Sentences that don't make sense.
4. O : Material missing.... Transition point? Explanation?
5. ? : What was I thinking? I am Confused!

When you finish the first read, it is time for analysis:
Does my story make sense?
Do the Characters act like real people?
Is the setting a character in my story ? (The soul of a place comes from the person who is experiencing the place. What about the place does the protagonist not understand. What are three details only your protagonist can see)

Helpful thing to do: (send your character forward in time one year from the time the story ends. How do they see it now)

The Characters
The voice of the author comes from the characters. How do they express themselves.

At every significant juncture in the story look at the viewpoint of every character and let them make thee best move they can from his or her point of view.

Are there any coincidences that HELP the lead character? This is not generally a good idea. Coincidence should HURT the lead character.

Are the stakes high enough? Is "Death" overhanging. Either Physical, professional or psychological or emotional Death?

Societal stakes: Does what happens to the character affect the people around him?

Do the scenes flow or are they choppy?

Does the story feel organic?
Are the transitions clear?
Helpful thing to do: Create an actual physical calendar. Put in the plot points.

Do my main characters "jump off the page"?
Write simple stories with complex characters. The key to originality in fiction is not the plot, but the characters.

Follow the character's passion. What does he yearn for?

Helpful thing to do: Create an off camera scene. Put the character in an uncomfortable place. See what she/he does

Is there enough "worry fodder"? We want to care about these people.

At what point could a busy editor put my book aside and not come back to it?

"A great story is life with the dull parts taken out."

Write a summary (2000-3000 words.) Change what you need to make it compelling.
Now you are ready for the second draft. Rewrite according to the new story.

Helpful thing to do: Go to a bookstore and read all of Dean Koontz's opening paragraphs. I would add to that: Read the opening of Ellen Raskin's "The Westing Game." I went to Barnes and Noble and spent an hour reading opening pages. I do this for both picture books and novels