Trick or Retreat

by
Lupe Fernandez

Last month, I attended the SCBWI Writers Retreat in Palos Verdes. Inspired by the dedication of the staff and attendees, the Planning Dept. of Pen & Ink submit for your consideration a modest proposal. Sure, you got your Esalen, Big Sur, Rocky Flats, Edwards Air Force Base and any number of Superfund sites, but you've never seen a retreat such as:

The Official Pen & Ink Writers Retreat Complex

1) Critique Rooms - Padded walls, ergonomic chairs, and big clock with timer; separate offices for Resident editors, agents and therapists

2) Communal Dorms - Married personnel only

3) Critique Rooms - Padded walls, ergonomic chairs, and big clock with timer; separate offices for Resident editors, agents and therapists

4) Communal Dorms - Single personnel

5) Ocean Beach - White Sand; Activity Director on station to cater to all aquatic needs

6) Mental Health Center – Physical Therapy, 24 Hour Doctor, Primal Scream Enclosure, Yoga Discipline, Private Massage Bays, and 24 Hour pharmacy

7) Bike and Jogging Path - Clockwise on even days, Counterclockwise on odd days

8) Information Center – Laptops with Internet access, high volume color and b/w printers; only this location allows outside electronic contact

9) Amphitheatre -Live performances, readings

10) Fruit Trees – Fresh snacks ripe for picking

11) Tower Scrambler – Jams all radio transmission for all cell phones, laptops, Crackberries, telegraphs and passenger pigeons

12) Helicopter Pad - Transportation for personnel who don't like the submarine

13) Submarine Grotto - Access to complex via submersible

14) Forest and Hiking Trails – Get away from everyone and mediate or fight bears

Registration begins as soon as the Planning Dept. inherits several million dollars to bribe public functionaries for construction permits, right-of-way access, misplacement of property titles, and the suspension of certain UNESCO World Heritage Designations.