Dispatch #22: Driving Mr. NASCAR

by Lupe Fernandez

The red fire suit is hot in the Stockton sun at the racetrack. The white helmet has scratches and dents. I cradle it under my arm, playing at being a pro race car driver.

At Rusty Wallace Race Car Experience, me and my bachelor party wait at under a tent at the Stockton 99 Raceway for other drivers to finish their laps. The short half mile track smells of fuel and rumbles with engines.

Before suiting up, we listened to our instructor brief us on how to drive on the oval track. He tells us which taped marks to follow, which orange cones to watch for, how to put on the steering wheel and most important, how to listen to our spotter yelling in our ear phones.

It's a briefing. A real briefing. Under a tent out of the sun, sitting on folding chairs. A cool breezes rattles the metal canopy and shakes the fences in the background. The breeze cool my face. It's only play time but I imagine it's important.

Me and my party have our gear, our uniforms, our wits and our mutual glances of "Are you sure about this?"

For my bachelor party, I wanted to engage in some adrenaline surging activity. Gaping at scantily clad ladies is not my petal to the metal. A comedian who's name I forget said watching a stripper is like going to a restaurant and paying them to look at the food. While I'm sure such ladies are working their way through college, I'd rather do something more viscerally exciting.

I am the last driver of the day. My fellow drivers have all run their laps and recited their glorious and not so glorious moments.

I climb through the driver window and slide my butt onto a hard seat. I slid my head into a brace as the pit tech straps into a five-point safety harness.

The cockpit smells of grease and sweat. There's a lot of clinking and clanking and I love it. The race tech jams my helmet over my head. My sunglasses sit on my lap. I hope the guy puts them on for me; I'm nearsighted. I shove flat audio ear pads under the helmet and place them over my ears.

The car feels flimsy with its fiberglass shell and barren cockpit with red roll bars. When the race tech flips the ignition and the car rumbles with power, I realize I'm behind the wheel of a powerful machine. I cruise up to the track. I can barely move my head, limiting  my field of view to whatever I can see above the vibrating hood. I can't see or feel the brake pedal.

"Brake! Brake! Brake!" I hear yells from outside the car.

 I almost run down one of the race tech.

My spotter speaks to me through my ear phones and I'm ready.  Green light.

Vrrooomm....I do my laps, watching for orange cones that mark where I "mash the gas" and where I "mash the brake." I drive too slow.

"Gas. Gas. Gas," says my spotter coaches me to drive faster.

I think I'm going to collide into the wall. If I wreck the car, I'm liable for damages. After the eleventh lap, I'm getting used to control the car, hitting my marks, accelerating and braking at the cones when I see the checkered flag.

The ride is over.
 
I cruise off the track and putter to the other parked cars. The race tech unstraps me and removes my helmet. I climb out of the car, pull off the black stocking hat - keeps the helmet interior clean - and pose for a picture.

I unzip my fire suit - I like saying fire suit - and turn in my uniform and helmet to the nice lady by the trailer.

I'm no longer playing race car driver.

In the future, I'd like to play astronaut and submarine captain and lion tamer.

For some of these, I'll purchase pretend time. Others, I'll write and pretend on the page.

That's what I do.

And now a word from The Management:

Our Foreign Correspondent aka Red Zip would like to thank Troy, Johnie, Larry, Carl, Andrew, Aaron and some NASCAR wheels. Troy, his best man, generously arranged this event.

If you don't believe a word Red Zip has written, watch these videos and you be the judge. 

Prep to Drive

Driving 12 Laps

Dispatch #2 - Reading on a River

Yuba River

by Lupe Fernandez

Yuba River - This is your foreign correspondent bringing you latest news from the wild north, where mountain lions roam and rushing rivers foam. Contrary to certain rumors begun by certain members of a certain blog that shall remain nameless, I was conducting a behavior study titled The Effects of Hydrodynamic Stimuli on Literary Comprehension, known in the civilian circles as reading on a river. But not just any river. Last August, right after the 2012 SCBWI Conference, I accompanied the Aguilera Family on their annual Yuba River camping trip. I proposed to test the effectiveness of reading a YA novel while surrounding by mountains, forests, river, and people having fun.

For my test material, after careful and assiduous consideration, I choose Pretty Little Liars by Sara Shepard. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey, Mr. Former Mexican-In-Residence and Part-Time Macho Man. Why are you reading about four rich teenage girls haunted by their secrets?"

Author Sara Shepard delivered a keynote address at the Summer Conference. She was humorous and insightful. So I bought the book and got her autograph. I asked her so many questions that her "minder" politely asked me to come back another time, as I was hogging her time. What important topic was I discussing with Ms. Shepard? Sex, of course.

Experimental Flotation Devices

Once at the Yuba River, I put the book into a water-proof Ziplock bag and paddled across the river, Ziplock baggie clamped between my teeth. A land ashore on a gravel bar, laid down a towel and commenced my behavior study.

Despite the splash and dash of the cold, roaring water, I accomplished my task of reading about Aria, Spencer, Emily and Hanna tormented by texts by the mysterious "-A." The author's voice had an eerie, but playful quality. According to Ms. Shepard, the TV series follows a different story line from the book, though the TV series works on the same premise.

Conducting Fluid Dynamic Test

While the test results of The Effects of Hydrodynamic Stimuli on Literary Comprehension were positive, I must conduct further studies to quantify my findings. I used to read in my apartment, but since my new posting at the Foreign Service Bureau, I have had to find other locations to read.

How about you, dear reader? Where do you crack open a book and turn the pages? Some dark, dank dreary local? Some bright, cheerful enclave? Where do you read? Maybe someone is watching.

As the mysterious "-A" texts the four Pretty Little Liars, "I'm still here, bitches. And I know everything."

This is your Foreign Correspondent signing off from the Northern Hinderlands.

The Branch Office

by Kris Kahrs

As many of our dear Pen and Ink Blog readers have discovered, our co-blogger, friend, chief motivator and writer-of-divine-inspiration, Lupe Fernandez is moving to greener pastures, namely northern California. This does not mean he leaves we other three in the dust. No, dear reader, never fear. With the help of super secret technology, we will persevere on both as Critique Group and bloggers of the locally famous The Pen and Ink Blogspot.

However, we could not bring ourselves to conduct the farewell interview. We were too overcome with sorrow. It was necessary for us to find a professional that would be able to keep the dispassionate distance needed at such an emotional time as this. We needed an interviewer that is sharp, asks the hard questions with a journalistic eye towards a balanced perspective. We called Dan Rather’s number but remembered that he passed on to that big newsroom in the sky just as his agent answered and we muttered something about calling from Domino's pizza and hung up.

That’s when we remembered Sparky. We’ve worked with Sparky before and he has always been a consummate professional. Yes, his manner is a little rough around the edges, but hard-hitting journalism is a little rough. Most important, Sparky has the quality that we look for in an interviewer, he’s persistent, some may even say, ahem, dog-ged and he works cheap. So a few bones tossed in the right direction and we were off. Take it away Sparky.

Lupe: The Gamino Family History of Flight is a YA, suburban fantasy where a high school sophomore, Jose Gamino, has the ability to fly, but it has brought him and his family nothing but tragedy. All Jose wants to do is fall in love with a bright red-head girl. The manuscript includes several vignettes telling the history of flight itself.

I was minding my own business at Writer's Day when they announced my ten page submission placed as an Honorable Mention.

Lupe: The Gamino Family History of Flight placed as a semi-finalist in the 2009 William Wisdom Creative Writing Competition organized by the Pirates Alley Faulkner Society in New Orleans.

Lupe: I'm working on a contemporary comedy manuscript titled I Was a Teenage Lawyer. High school sophomore, Roger Herrera uploads a pornographic video onto his school website to see if anyone recognizes the girl in the video as someone who attends his school. He unknowingly gets Masha Rulin, a girl who resembles the porn actress, suspended from school. Roger decides to defend Masha in the school's student court. But will he tell her the truth?

Lupe: Due to the success of The Pen & Ink Blogspot, the Management has decided to open a foreign branch office in the far north. I will be reporting on SCBWI events in the hinterlands of the San Francisco Bay Area, and writing about any other phenomena that our faithful readers need to know about. Contrary to rumor, this move has nothing to do with the Mysterious Fate of JJ the Hamster, the Great Chocolate Cookie Heist or falling in love and moving in with my girlfriend.

Lupe: Well, Senor Sparky, I recommend less sniffing and more writing. And get thee to a writing critique group. Your experience of chasing your own tail will help you adjust to the Wild, Wild World of Children's Literature. Writing separates the pups from the attack hounds. Don't chew on your sentences. Bite, don't bark at convoluted plotlines. I've heard you're working on a memoir A Dog's Life - I Am Not Spot. You might consider adapting it to a middle grade story. 

I'd like to thank The Pen & Ink Blogspot for allowing me to be their Mexican-In-Residence. It's been a pleasure and a privilege. My new position will be that of Foreign Correspondent. Over and out. 10-4. Adios. 

Our Foreign Correspondent will be appearing this August at the 2012 Summer Conference. Feel free to badger, berate and/or befuddle him.

- The Management